:: inhale, exhale:: :: inhale, exhale::

I can feel the anxiety starting to creep up again.

Gripping at my legs, holding on for dear life to follow me wherever I go.

Testing for echos in my rib cage, making sure to direct all crashing sounds towards my heart.

It both paralyses me and makes me want to run away--in any direction and distance--as long as it won't follow.

Something's gotta give....

Secret Passage..

Last night I couldn't get to sleep until around 5am ( T_T)...but I did have some interesting dreams during the early afternoon hours. For some reason, for as far back as I can remember, there has always been this small place that I can go to in my dreams if I ever find myself in trouble, or in need of something. The circumstances from which I get to this place is always different, and yet the entrance and the inside of this place is always the same. It's a rather comforting feeling, and disturbing at the very same time because I tend to wonder if anyone else's dreams have this unique feature. The inside is much like a large condo/apartment, and it always has the same things-- a comfy couch, a pool table, clothes for me to change into if need be, and everything else that a normal apartment would have normally. Usually no other person is in this place, or even knows how to get there, except for my father one time, although i can remember that dream in particular.

Anyways, last night, my dream involved me going back to this place...but I had forgotten about it, so it was hard to find. The entrance was boarded up and covered with spider-webs and dust. I felt like I was uncovering some ancient tomb or some sort of secret passageway---a place that was once important but had lost significance from the passage of time. Even odder is that the entrance (which usually looks like a small window) was placed up high in a wall of this woman's house. I don't know who she is now, but I did in the dream. Another thing that stays constant about the entrance to this secret room/place is that it is usually located somewhere high up that i have to climb or scramble to get to, and oddly enough, i've noticed over the years that each time i return to this room the entrance becomes smaller and smaller. I have no idea if this is in comparison to how large it was when I was little, or if it is literally becoming smaller because I am in a sense outgrowing it? If I am outgrowing it, then that's a thought that scares me. It's hard to describe,explain or understand the relationship I have with this place, unless you are me.

You know those dreams where you wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, sweating, scared and shaking? You are being chased by some insane person and you have no where to run. No matter how fast you are moving you somehow seem to be going slower. In those dreams, i have somewhere to run, hide, regroup and prepare myself in order to survive and beat whatever is after me. Dreams are a subconscious manifestation of our worries and fears in waking life, so i consider myself lucky to have a fort in my mind that i can use to protect myself against them. I noticed when I went through my bout of depression a few months ago, one of the first things to go where my dreams. Nevermind not getting enough sleep--it was when i stopped having dreams that I truly stopped and started to realize that something might be wrong with me. For me, it's NOT normal to not have a dream, if not several, every night.

Last night, my secret place was destroyed, and I'm not sure what it means. I hope it's not a sign of worse things to come--but for now, the optimistic side of me wants to think that it's a sign that I've reached an emotional awareness and courageousness that makes the special room no longer necessary for me to be okay...

Crazy Dream...

Ok...for anyone that knows me..I have an OVER-active imagination--i swear i've gotta be borderline A.D.D. Anyhow...i had this crazy dream (as usual) and it got me thinking about a very cool concept for a movie/book/short story. In this dream ( i don't remember a lot of details), there was this man that was SO dangerous that the president ordered him to be escorted around with no less than 6 guys formed in a crescent shape surrounding him--guns drawn directly at his head at all times. Even as he walked by civilians, with this heavily armed entourage, people had guns pointed at him, scared of what might happen if the man even blinked the wrong way...intense right? I remember the fear i felt in the dream, especially since I, myself was weilding a sniper rifle. Not sure of where i got it..but hey, like i said, it was a dream and i can be whomever/whatever i want to be in it--or at least whatever my mind/imagination decides.

This dream prompted some thoughts, mostly concerned with WHY that man might be so dangerous. I was talking to my mom about the dream as i so often do, and she said 'man..wouldn't it be great if there was some device that could render the man deaf and blind so that in the event he DID escape, he wouldn't know what to do in order to get away?'. That statement lead me to other thoughts about such kind of technology. I began to remember seeing this documentary on the Discovery Channel about how in the future people are going to have computer chips implanted somewhere in the body that will hold all of their medical information. One family already has this kind of chip, as do animals that go through a humane society shelter. So my question is...what if in the future this type of chip was legally mandated? What if every newborn child and family had to be implanted with a medical chip by the government? What types of control could the government have upon the implementation of this particular type of device? What consequences would it cause? These questions led me to a further thought--could these chips be one day used as a new form of terrorism? And it hit me.. that type of control would be the worse type of situation to be in. To crash a plane into a building, or blow up religious sites is one thing..but to actually control people from both a physiological and mental level?--that's real disaster. I know personally, some of the times i am the most scared is when i feel like i have no control over my body, or what can happen to me--ex: I hate flying in planes because i can't control what the plane does while it's in the air..should it decide to malfunction and drop out of the sky, it would take me with it, and there's absolutely nothing i would be able to do except pray. I also am afraid of doing things like taking drugs/consuming too much alcohol because i can't stand the idea that i wouldn't have control over my own body and thoughts. My actions would be left to the power of whatever i decided to consume.

So basically my idea for a story would involve a situation where a person gained the ability to control all of these medical chips and became a WORLD terrorist. This person or group could threaten whole nations by saying 'if you don't give us____, we will render all of your citizens deaf/blind/mute". This would cause MASS panic and chaos. It could even lead to the end of civil order and whole governments. The blind can't lead the blind, and the deaf only have so much control either, furthermore, if people cannot talk, communication dies; communication is the foundation of modern civilization. I feel that people would literally have to let go of their differences and band together to help eachother regardless of whatever induced disabilities they have in order to eventually stop the terrorists. From a sociological standpoint however, would a catestrophic event such as this be what it would take to stop prejudice, racism and hate?...the world may never know...hopefully.

New Cinderella

New idea for a story:

Cinderella type plot with a sadistic/horror edge.

Girl: Smells like bleach from the constant cleaning done around her house. (ex: instead of always being covered by cinders, the bleach is her signiture). She wants to seek revenge on her family ( or a random turn of events leads to..) becoming sick with a virus that she doesn't get killed by because she's constantly in cleaning solutions and therefore sterile for the most part. She convinces herself that she actually likes cleaning in order to ofset the resentment she's built over the years for having to constantly do it. Over looked, and under praised--she's become emotionally opaque, and easily shaken. 

- Mom: Overbareing, and over-dramatic. Constantly makes the smallest of situations seem like the end of the world. 

Father: present but not active. doesn't protect her from the emotional and mental abuse provided by the mother. 

Siblings: always find a way to not do something, or assume that 'cinderella' is content with being a made and therefore never try to help. 

I cant sleep and its 315 in the morning. I hope im not tired all day tomorrow...today I was xhausted cause of the weather :(. Rain turns me into a zombie